fawny.org

Clif Bars of the Future

When out on the town running errands and the like, one often bottoms out the blood sugar. A remarkably delicious and nutritious snack consists of a wee Tetra-Brik of Edensoy along with a Clif Bar, the wildly successful, moist, cookie-like so-called energy bar that makes other energy bars seem as palatable as deep-fried snot. Fab flavours include Chocolate Chip Peanut Crunch, apricot, and so-called Real Berry. Bonus: They're vegan.

But I began to question the wisdom of the Clif Bar folks – a mom-'n'-pop operation – when I read of their new range of flavours, including Cookies & Cream, Carrot Cake, and Chocolate Almond Fudge. Huh? Clif Bars are supposed to be nutritious desserts – formerly an oxymoron before the original flavours appeared.

So, with my experience nominating musical genres of the future, I asked myself what other Clif Bar flavours we might find on the horizon.

  1. Cherries Jubilee
  2. Brandy Alexander
  3. Spelt
  4. Lime Cordial
  5. Honey Okra
  6. Jalapeño & Cinnamon
  7. Roughage
  8. Robitussin
  9. Asparagus Ripple
  10. Neapolitan Vendetta
  11. Jujube
  12. Candied Yam
  13. Toad-in-the-Hole
  14. Fortune Cookie
  15. Sashimi
  16. Thousand Island
  17. Spanakopita
  18. True Grit
  19. Frankenberry
  20. Suet
  21. Cabbage Roll
  22. Minty Haggis
  23. Tripe, Sour Cream & Onion
  24. Peanut Butter & Ham
  25. Tofu Cauliflower Dream
  26. Saffron
  27. Oyster Strawberry Chiffon
  28. Balsamic Vinegar
  29. Truffle 'n' Grits
  30. Lentil Pineapple Medley
  31. Bubblegum
  32. Rhubarb
  33. Licorice Almond
  34. Bacon & Eggs
  35. Kosher Marshmallow Chew
  36. Salsa-Talc
  37. Kohlrabi Krumble
  38. Quince Mints
  39. Toucan Sam
  40. Vitreous Humour
  41. Sausage-Casing
  42. Porterhouse
  43. Nondairy Creamer
  44. Old Wives' Tail
  45. Lichen
  46. Frankincense & Myrrh
  47. Knish Delish
  48. Cochineal
  49. Liquid Invert Sugar
  50. Luncheon Meat
  51. Tofu Dog (with real dog!)
  52. Clotted Cream
  53. Canola
  54. Burnt Offering
  55. Sour Milk & Cherry
  56. Porkbelly
  57. Arsenic & Old Lace
  58. Helium Squeal
  59. Fried Green Tomato
  60. Blueberry Castor
  61. Mentholatum
  62. Trout
  63. Butterscotch
  64. Crème de Mulch

How about themes rather than flavours?

  1. Tweed
  2. Herringbone
  3. Button-Fly
  4. Lamé
  5. Gingham (with free picnic basket!)
  6. Hacky-Sack
  7. Fleur-de-lis

For extra fun, use these modifier morphemes, where ~ stands for any of the entries you choose to use from above:

Posted circa 2002 ΒΆ Updated 2006.07.22