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Updated: 2000.12.16

Jo(k)e-Jobs

Ah, yes. The New Economy. It’s a dysfunctional family, as I explained elsewhere:

  1. “Does the New Economy need a benevolent society?”
  2. Stood Up By Microsoft

And as in all dyfunctional families, the dysfunction starts at the top. With the employers.

Here, then, is an occasional Weblog of laughably unrealistic and overdone Internet job advertisements. Submit your own!

“Must speak Turkish, Greek, Macedonian”

WEB CONSULTANT – Experience evaluating publishing tools for Web-site rearchitecture (Vignette, BroadVision, Enterwoven [sic]), integration of the tools with the new portal engine, front-end work and development of a migration strategy.

In this job, clearly you will evaluate which content-management system is best for the job, figure out a way to move the current site into that nouveau régime, and do some “integrating,” whatever that is.

Except it’s a three-month contract. The recruitrix – who could not find my phone number in my application, despite the fact it was the only string of text including the Toronto area code, and who later could not figure out that you have to let my phone ring six times until voicemail answers – demanded proof that I had overseen the implementation of sites which, when taken together, used all three of Vignette, BroadVision, and “Enterwoven” (actually Interwoven).

I tried to explain to this... person that those products are vast proprietary systems that require extensive custom programming and long-term commitment. For a single person to be fluent in more than one of them is tantamount to demanding that a prospective employee be a doctor and a lawyer.

There isn’t a single person in all of Toronto with that kind of experience, let alone one who would submit to a three-month contract. There might be one in New York, but he or she would run about $120,000 a year.

I advised the recruitrix to explain to the client what the job really needs – a topic expert with evaluation skills. This, of course, contrasts with what the client, rolling buzzwords like celluloid dice, thinks it needs. (It was also mentioned that Interwoven is not a town in the Netherlands.)

And speaking of buzzwords....

We need a design department.
And you’re it

BMG Music Online Design/Production Manager – BMG Music Canada, home to Santana, Whitney Houston, P!NK [sic], Christina Aguilera, Kenny G, Outkast, TLC, jacksoul and Love Inc. on the RCA Records, Arista, LaFace, Bad Boy and ViK. [sic] recordings labels, is looking for an experienced online, multimedia production manager. The successful candiate will have excellent project-management skills, several years of online, multimedia design experience and a keen knowledge of contemporary music.

Scope –

  • The design and production of BMG Music Canada’s online marketing initiatives.
  • This position currently reports to the VP Strategic Marketing.

Responsibilities –

  • Design, production and maintenance of BMG Music Canada’s websites in consultation with A&R, Marketing and Online Marketing Manager.
  • Design and production of web pages and multimedia content for third-party promotions/opportunities, including international BMG sites, online retailers and entertainment/mass market portals
  • Contract and manage workflow of in-house design and production (interns/contract employees).
  • Organize library and backup of multimedia files stored on the in-house file server.
  • Contract and manage outside design and production services as required.
  • Post files to Web and multimedia servers (Unix, Real, etc.).
  • Troubleshoot Webserver issues with New York staff.
  • Manage and maintain Online/Marketing Services in-house file server.
  • Organize library and backup of multimedia files stored on the in-house server
  • Post audio and video files to BMG Central (B2B site)
  • In-house audio editing for A&R and promotion as appropriate.
  • Assist in the development of BMG Music Canada’s online strategy.
  • General in-house advise [sic] on new technology issues.

Skills –

  • Mac hardware and software
  • Ability to deliver working cross-platform content
  • HTML
  • Flash
  • Director
  • Shockwave
  • Digital video including Premiere, QuickTime, and Real Producer Plus
  • Javascript and CGI
  • Photoshop
  • Illustrator
  • Quark
  • ProTools
  • Toast
  • Acrobat
  • Filemaker
  • Office 98/2001 (Windows and Mac)
  • FTP to UNIX web server

This posting, in effect, seeks someone to run every computer in the office.

What are you expected to do?

  • Design and produce an entire marketing Web site
  • Do the same for other national subsidiaries (what, they can’t hire their own staff?) and pretty much anyone who sells BMG records
  • Take on complete sysadmin duties. That includes running backups and sorting through the maze of files left over by the previous sap who had this job (or the many saps hired on contract, a hiring practice that provides no incentive to keep files tidy and organized)
  • Edit any audio the A&R “guys” demand. WTF?
  • Show fluency in mutually-incompatible video formats (and also Vignette, Broadvision, and “Enterwoven”?)
  • Produce “working cross-platform content” while using only Macs
  • And, the pièce de résistance, you’ll also be designing for print using “Quark”!

This job actually seeks two full-time people (a sysadmin and a Web producer) and a part-time graphic designer. And of course, whoever gets this job can expect to earn maybe $40K.

Nice.

(Netslaves runs analyses like these from time to time, but there are no permanent links I can offer you.)