Not the expected sense of ‘fierce’

“Rugged,” not-at-all-homosexualist hockey dudes are finally matched up with what would, in the normal course of events, be their beards. As ever, Battle of the Blades does not know what it’s doing or who’s gonna watch, unless one cared to respond with “frantically insisting a man in figure skates isn’t presumptively gay” and “not the standard audience for figure skating, which is gays and girls,” respectively.

And – to reiterate – if the show really wanted to upend any kind of tradition it would match hockey dudes with skater dudes (with hi-larious! results), or would at least pair faggy skater boys with dykey hockey girls. (But really: Women’s hockey? As if.)

Nope. Instead, we are fed the line that “pairs have been specifically chosen to enhance the very best in athletic and on-ice entertainment.” (Actually, pairings were made to avoid upending apple carts.) We’re also Big Bobby Clobbered over the head with the following unironic vocab:

“Oh, Brian, I thought you skated amazing.” “Oh, no, Brian, I thought you skated amazing.”

Meanwhile, “ ‘hockey’s only lifestyle magazine,’ The Fourth Period, releases its second issue at the beginning of October... [T]he magazine... aims to bring the celebrity, GQ aspect of the sport to its readers.” Get Sean Avery on the line stat.