‘Volt’: The maudit anglophone fan page

Current week

2003: March 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21: Bingo! | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 31

Monday 3

Now. I did SXSW and left one of the VCRs programmed, and am working on the assumption that the first episode on the tape is, in fact, this day’s.

You read those excuses here a lot here, don’t you? You’d think I’d have this down to a science by now.

All right. Volt does Sturgeon Falls. The segment is its own punchline. But isn’t it a great idea to invade the home of a rural Volt fan to watch the show on camera? Very 20th century. Very meta. The lad does seem unnaturally nervous.

Is it not perverse to work with Voltistes all day at the office, but also make out with them during Volt fausse pubs, as with today’s for Tampons Volt? Perverse, and strangely at odds with sexual-harassment laws?

In today’s extro, was that Fred taking the piss out of minutely-detailed, topic-specific Web sites?

Tuesday 4

When something strikes me as interesting in today’s show, I’ll let you know.

That would be about now. Some wanker at the car show actually claims that SUVs are good for pickin’ up hos. The wanker is, of course, obviously a virgin. Plus the poncy crypto-fag with the malamutes (inevitably). And I loved the ladies who lunch, with their excellent hairdos and dye jobs, and their self-delusion that they’re actually safer inside an SUV. “I don’t give a shit about fuel.” Good solid (and extended) segment. However, it’s an obvious target these days, isn’t it?

«Quel est le vrai prénom de Chuck Labelle?» «Jean-Guy!» Who says Volt isn’t actually educational? Also, good on the guest, Christian Pelletier, for actually being able to speak French when pimping the Francophone Games. Or whatever he was pimping. I’m outside his target market.

Wednesday 5

The Voltistes visit one of TVO’s remote transmitter stations, an anachronism if ever I heard of one. I dunno... I realize the segment made light of the technical intricacies of a transmitting station, but couldn’t the technical intricacies actually have been explained properly? I guess the lighthousekeeper couldn’t, but somebody could’ve, nu?

Fabulous Gay Tunes Vol. 2: New home of Brother Love Canal, who have not been obsessively plugging their name into my search engine in a while now. So saith Donna dedans de l’Entertainment!

“Crystal et Monique” today seemed to be losing the plot a little. It occurred to me recently – things are always occurring to me, you see – that I have not been paying enough attention to the “Crystal et Monique” segments, which are densely written. Perhaps an all-Crystal-all-Monique episode would be in order?

Wednesday 6

All videos, surprisingly enough. “Ragga Dub” by Dubmatique, whom you cannot make me like. “Get Busy” by Sean Paul, repetitive but tons o’ fun. “Superstylin’ ” by Groove Armada. “Flat Beat,” yet again, by Mr. Oizo. And, if H.R. Geiger designed videogames, he’d come up with “Ready, Steady, Go” by Oakenfold.

Fantastic fausse pub on how to rid yourself of anglicisms. Here’s one way: Get out of Toronto.

Monday 10

Frankly, this business of sliding along baby-oiled plastic tracks sounds... rather fun, actually. I’d definitely need the coveralls.

I dunno. Enjoyable segment testing Félix (what is up with his hair?) and Francine at object recognition.

Wait. That was it?

Tuesday 11

Extreme art! Loved the fire extinguisher especially.

Yeah, Barbie. Fine.

Hey! It’s the Volt theme (isn’t that “Pom-Pom” by Brother Love Canal? I seem not to have jotted that down) in an orchestral rendering! Run that more often.

Wednesday 12

Mr. Volt 2003! I vote for Pierre.

Miss Universe Canada. We found two contestants with good French. (No – three!) Interview segments with the organizer had strange stray caption characters, sometimes in green underline. And Nancy Barashi in particular made a lot of sense.

Thursday 13

Videoclips. Not very good ones, either. “Samba” by Ugly Duckling (aptly named). “Makes No Difference” by Sum-41. The appalling “Sandwiches” by Detroit Grand Pubahs. “Superbeast” by Rob Zombie, almost as appalling. «Gagner» by les Marms, with the most garish imaginable colours, which is of course why I like it, crap zero-blinkrate captions notwithstanding.

Monday 17

Well, isn’t this just appallingly clever and original – as clever and original as that two-year-old film Memento or that new one Irreversible. Why, the segments of today’s episode are run in reverse order!

How educational.

Still, I love Francine’s plan for a reverse contest. Had I noticed this the first time, I might actually have rung up, hoping to be the 45th caller. (Rung up for the first time ever.) Now, what prize would I have offered? Probably a Petit Robert, or a recipe for seitan goose chicken, both of which are so very desperately needed up there at 2180, rue Yonge.

«La beauté a un nom: Gars du balcon.»

You know, I think it’s just slightly mean, lors du Extreme Volt tour, to snatch long shots of local penny-ante businesses and use them as fake sponsors for, say, bowling, or hot-oil wrestling. But do please get it right: “MPR’s Sports Cards” is actually MRP’s Sports Cards.

Nadia’s got a good segment with not enough seitan on the bones: Job help for Francophone youth. The videoconferencing is a big plus – usually the peons, particularly the peons who drive pickup trucks and can barely speak either language, rarely have access to videoconferencing. Then again, it’s probably over IP and doesn’t use $25,000 codecs.

Well, Renée’s got her tremendously-intense-and-personal gaze on, but let’s not talk about the hair. Fred is the reigning champeen of good hair chez les Voltistes. Certainly, though, the on-staff seductress delivered a fact-packed précis of Kurt Cobain’s diaries, possibly so thorough an exegesis that one no longer needs to read them. My question is why anyone would bother reading them in French.

Tuesday 18

Highlight of the year, without question: JS talks his way out of a speeding ticket up north! By incredible coincidence, he happened to be holding a newspaper with his posse (posse?) on the front page.

And even with the clever subtitling animation!

This is like priceless.

Then Fred gets the shit beaten out of him when he tries to tell a pig joke! (Insane Clown Posse, where are you when we need you?)

(You can look that reference up yourselves. What am I, your slave?)

More goddamned bowling, this time with some would-be comedian, who is less funny than I am, and I mangle jokes. Then some strange setup takes place in Nadia’s post-interview interview, where Nadia gets the shit beaten out of her, faggy Frankie flounces to Ottawa to save her (notably, his clothes don’t match), and Jewess Francine sits ineffectually around the office staring aghast at her ruby iMac. Jewesses should all use ruby iMacs.

I see we’re going downhill.

Inevitably, when Nadia leaps into Frankie’s arms, (a) he doesn’t know what to do with a girl in such close proximity and (b) he’s too big a fairy to hold her up. I thought I was the only fag who didn’t go to the gym. Chivalry is dead at 2180, rue Yonge, or the Ottawa branch office.

The «Affection entre amis: Quand c’est trop, c’est trop» fausse pub remains delightful.

Fred does le robotisme! I can’t remember seeing kids having that much fun before, even in grievously mangled French. Must be all the Robot Wars-manqué shows on the TV. POLICY STATEMENT: I’m with poochy.

Good setup for today’s video request – on-site interview intercut with Francine rockin’ the suburbs in planet-sized headphones.

Wednesday 19

I believe there was an interview with some band or other.

Somewhat-less-solid-than-usual segment from Mireille. I mean, we know how to be cheap. What we have to do is unlearn how to be cheap! Loved the Fluevogs she bought on a lark, though. I have my own, but not, I hasten to add, the same model. Yes, quite obviously they are leather.

In our fausse pubs today, everybody’s falling on the ground and ending up all bloody. Fred ends up with a tampon in the nose, and Guy (what is he up to?) gets pushed around by Jean-Louis Pecci and Simon Garneau in rather cheap hats. Very game of him, really, and good consistent black humour all the way through. Even Dano “Tory apologist” Spooner doesn’t fuck it up. I have extolled the virtues of this segment before, and I’ll do it again.

Tuesday 20

All apocalyptic videos all the time: “Bird of Prey” (unremixed version) by Fatboy Slim, which is actually a much more complex little film than I had recalled. “Something’s Got to Give” by the Beastie Boys, and here I detect the firm hand of JS. “The Richest Man in Babylon” by Thievery Corporation: Why, exactly?

“I’m Afraid of Americans” by David Bowie, which I recognized instantly: “Jonny combs his hair and Jonny wants pussy and cars.”

David Bowie is 56 years old.

«C’est ça qui est ça» by Dédé Traké, an excellent choice, what with its completely tacky and dated Montreal ’80s bleach-blond look.

The fausse pub for Élever ses enfants en temps de guerre was marred by a poor audio mix in the Nadyne/Francine segment. Great segment with the Gars du balcon in a gas mask.

Tuesday 21: Bingo!

Now, lookit. Bingo Volt should be a live performance-art event, optionally including shrapnel embedded in caméramans’ eyes, not an ordinary bingo with like fifteen minutes of pretaped segments (where a minute and a half of that is spent in recaps).


Why does Volt always use the exact same alleyway behind 2180, rue Yonge in which to beat the shit out of people? Isn’t it odd that Vinnie was apprehended in the very same spot?

Renée Gallien as a harlot!

Taping seems to have occurred during that heavy snowfall a couple o’ weeks ago.

I thought I was gonna blow a gasket when Vinnie walked up to his front door wearing naught but a terry bathrobe and a gold chain.

Loved the wheelspin action as Nino sped away!

Speaking of blowing a gasket: Fred making out with Frank in drag, then vice-versa! We’re attaining Simonesque levels of dramatic commitment.

Is it just me, or does Fred look utterly fantastic with his well-trimmed beard?

Why do I only talk about Fred?

I was nearly in tears of laughter (actually, I was: I checked) upon watching Hot Nights, Linda and Lucinda’s porn-within-a-téléroman. Am I to blame for all this because I once mentioned I enjoyed Omertà?

Cripes, is Francine ever a convincing hectoring cuckolding scold of a pampered princess wife. An It’s a Wonderful Life scenario playing itself out before our very eyes?

And why are we giving away a (just-discontinued) first-model-type iMac?

I expect this was a somewhat less onerous bingo episode than in previous years. I enjoyed it enough. Next year, I want more guys in Maoist drag.

Monday 24

Well, for some reason we’re back with Babs Towns of Towns Natural Health, where Nadyne gets colonically irrigated. Why the repeat?

Frankie’s extremely plain twill short-sleeved shirt is looking good on him. Today’s peace-related guests, including the credible Mohamed Boudjenane (looking waxy in his off-kilter glasses, T-shirt, and blazer), were all fine and serious and all that. (And the anglo Kate had reasonably good French. But when will her ilk learn that one does not, in fact, pause in French using “um”?)

Actually, they’ve both got on those ridiculous short dramatic rectangular eyeglasses.

Tuesday 25

Kidnapping François Grisé! I was about to say “I am so there” when it occurred to me: Why bother with him? But all’s well that ends well, because they draft Fred as host. With fauxhawk, no less.

Nadia’s segment on how to become a bimbo: Story of my life, really! I could write that in my sleep!

And who doesn’t adore “Waiting for Tonight”? The porno version, at least? And the faux-E.C. effect as bumper was classic, even at a mere five seconds.

Nadia’s just the tiniest bit underfed to bimbo out, though.

Could someone please explain to me the entire purpose of Nadia’s rambling, distracting, prop-excessive segment on laughter? Service piece with two students – invariably, one guest speaks good French, the other French in English word order, interspersed with ums – plugging their play or something. I’m sure it fulfills Volt’s mandate.

Wait. Aren’t Fred’s eyeglasses the ridiculous short dramatic rectangular kind?

Whoa. What an extro by Fred, faux-rapping in faux-Parisian French.

Frankie has pulled himself up by his bootstraps and is now a fully competent host. (Don’t be so shocked. I mentioned it before. And I call it as I see it.) The difference is that Fred showed up talented and has only gotten better.

I hope he’s liking living with the infidels well enough.

Wednesday 26

Fucking recap shows. Except here I get to see, albeit in snippetette form, the Crystal[s] et Monique segment I missed. Any such segment that ends in a Jewess wearing a combo «sun visor–ventilateur» is bitchin’ in my book.

Rerun the goddamned Badda-Bingo segments! I made a tape. A rather shitty tape, since I erred in recording onto the newer crappy VHS rather than the older solid VHS. (I skipped the Beta.) I have rewatched this tape twice. Twice now. In all fairness, it’s really rather amusing. Next run-through, I jot down all the character names.

In the meantime, rerun la fucking minisérie!

Wasn’t that fausse pub, in which JS responds to every single utterance of Frankie’s with an ever-intensifying «Non!», actually filmed in the faux-’50s diner at 2180, rue Yonge that constitutes the pathetic studio commissary of TVO?

I hate outtakes and credit cookies. I hate them. I love the Badda-Bingo outtakes and credit cookies. This I cannot explain. Love the anglo producers and directors muttering anglo instructions in the background. And the pratfalling on the fucking snow. I love all that.

I am reminded why, at my advanced age, I continue to maintain this humble fan page. Could it be that Volt is, at heart, a good show?

Thursday 27

The weekly all-music-video show. What a surprise.

«Hors d’œuvre» by Konflit Dramatik, which reeks with “This is the best we’re ever gonna be able to do.” (Krystle, c’est hard pour moi de te dire cela.) «Le son de l’Afro» by Afro Connexion.

Well! Kudos to the Voltistes for their bizarre and arbitrary mini fashion segment on what to wear to Franco-Ontarian awards shows. Unrelated to anything in the 21st century, and rather droll because it was played straight. What the hell was Fred wearing? I also begin to suspect he shaves his shoulders. But no. Nobody at Volt would be so self-hating.

«À tes risques et périls» by Véronic Dicaire. Who? And what are these bullshit synchronized group dance numbers in her vidéo?

«Tonalité» by Yvan Vollé.

I see that La Hospital Passion and another compilation video are given out as prizes this week. Back in the day, somebody from Volt sent both of those down to me. I assume I’m on even more shitlists than before and such a pleasantry won’t be repeated, assuming another set of compilation tapes were ever created.

Monday 31



And recent repeats?

What is the point?