Redlinks (and redcurls and redswirls and redwhorls)

Red and Proud asked for a link, so here it is. The site is a bit confusing, and where are the pictures? (Where are they here?)

NEW! Evidently there’s an entire book called The Redhead Encyclopedia by a cat named Stehen Douglas. I can’t say his E-mail won me over.

Golly. Morons.org, in a stunning parody of Dr. Laura, notes redheadedness is a biological error and quotes the Orthodox blowhard’s denunciation of the chosen 5%. Whom do they link to? Us!

It’s amazing what the mail holds. Lynn Ludwig writes:

I have observed a corollary to this phenomenon: The surge in the number of redheads at International Bear Rendezvous in San Francisco, but not necessarily at other Bear events

Also, I have given into the inevitability of mentioning the softcore porn site run by Justin Clouse, the pampered, bourgeois rich kid in L.A. I admit this inevitability because he’s finally stumbled across an unalloyedly beautiful man, one Eduardo, who has just the right kind of body and just the right colour of chest and abdominal hair.

Greatest hits

Who are the beautful and/or famous redhead males in the world today?

  1. Johnny O’Connell, amiable, vaguely bucktoothed race-car driver. Charming, up, masculinist redheads who manhandle vehicles around curves at barely-subsonic speeds are hot for the 2000s. It has been decreed. (Very slow-loading profile page at Le Mans.)
  2. Justin Hromek, pro bowler: A complex appearance, with pale, freckly, plasticky but thin skin, thinning straw-red hair, and rather large forearms. A profuse sweater, but then again, he is from Kansas. (No really fabulous mash sites online. Basic bio here.)
  3. J.D. Roth, perky quiz-show host (Sex Wars) who is too much of a sweetie to be convincing when attempting to give the opposing team – the girls – the gears. Short. Big tits, too obviously from working out, but acceptable arms. Strawberry-blond hair combed straight up, plus matching goatee. Adorable. (Official mash page; he’s a bit darker here than on television.)
  4. Josh Homme, crooner, Queens of the Stone Age. Unfeasibly tall, and fair of lash. What’s he doing in a rock band, this delicate young lad, late of Kyuss? (Extensive searching finds no usable mash photos. The QotSA official page demands Flash. Way to alienate your fans, Josh!)
  5. Eric Stoltz, perennial indie actor. A bit of an embarrassment in that bit of an embarrassment Killing Zoë, but almost entirely convincing in the best crip movie every made, The Waterdance. Too hard to believe as a drug dealer with long red hair in Los Angeles in Pulp Fiction. A surprisingly canny man, and few ever mention his resemblance to Michael J. Fox. (Can’t find a decent mash site online.)
  6. Max Collins, crooner, Eve 6. The oddball power-pop trio appeared to sport two redheads when seen in the cold light of day on television two years ago. All available Web information holds that only the singer is red-haired (and Irish, and losing what hair he’s got). Collins wears the Iggy Pop–era rock-star uniform of painfully skinny body and too-tight second-hand clothes like a B-list runway model. Very long limbs and surprisingly pleasing proportions: Shots with his back to the camera prove it. A handsome young man, and not unclever as a lyricist. Will he age well? (Acceptable photographs.) See the sappy music video “Here’s to the Night” (a ballad for girls) to view extensive loving facial closeups of the translucent orange brows and candy-blue eyes (and tattoos). Max is too jeezly skinny, but still quite handsome.
  7. Kenneth Branagh, thespian. Quite apart from Hamlet-era bottle-blondness, Branagh’s hair colours vary across the delicate minispectrum known as strawberry blond. A good enough sport to spit out coffee in slomo on Letterman. Dead handsome (breathtaking in the resolutely sexist Gingerbread Man), smarter than everyone in a city bus put together, with, moreover, the redhead’s standard puffy eyelids, the question becomes: Emma Thompson divorces this? (Leading mash page. Don’t miss Ken in a Hawaiian shirt with visibly ruddy stomach hair!)
  8. Boris Becker, tennis pro. Tall and slender, strong and German, a major butch number until he opens his mouth, whereupon his accent makes him sound like a stereotypical Nazi in an American war film, Becker gained substantial bonus points in the Village Voice in 1994 for marrying a black Amerikanski woman – to whit "I didn’t even notice Barbara was black until I saw how beautiful her skin was against white sheets." Love the fawny eyelashes. Adore the fawny eyelashes, in fact – almost as much as his name. (Directory of online mash sites.)
  9. Kevin Kilner, B-tier actor. Famous to nerds for his role in Earth: Final Conflict. First seen, wearing a towel in front of frame with a mooning Oriental chick behind him near their romantic beach house, in the tawdry 1990 television movie Murder in Paradise. A major butch number. Tall, All-American, hence somewhat uninteresting. Like many redheads, looks ghoulish if photographed without due care (example). (See online mash sites: first, second.)
  10. Glen Baxter, journalist/photographer. Speaks with a mild French accent. Never entirely apparent if Glen swims in the sea of superficiality and fakery at his employer, CITY-TV, or if he floats majestically above the rabble. Such are the powers of the fair-skinned redhead. One exhibition of photographs taken on his extensive travels. (If there’s any kind of online presence for Glen, I can’t find it.)
  11. Jim Courier, tennis pro. In a landscape dominated by another redhead, Jim shows how spectacularly different red-haired professional tennis players can be. Famously described by Martin Amis as not so much playing Wimbledon as sweating through it, Jim has the guts to be photographed courtside reading Armistead Maupin’s Maybe the Moon. (Whom did he dream of being, the dwarf or the strapping black man?) Gets no respect. It may have something to do with the other way in which he resides at the other axis of redheadedness: Jim is rather strange-looking, as though his face were reconstructed after a serious accident with only a bad driver’s-license photo as a template. But I mean that in a nice way. Honest. (Poor Jim is so unheralded he doesn’t even have his own network of online mash sites. In fact, there isn’t anything worth looking at online for Jim.)
  12. Will Clark (no relation), porn star. Yes, a red-haired porn star, though, in a testament to the mutability of the redhead, Will can appear bright-red or brown or strawberry-blond. His chest and stomach hair, when he lets it grow, is fiery. He runs his own Web site, about as accomplished as any other porn site. The young man from Wisconsin was discouraged from entering the business specifically because he had red hair. You idiots! Don’t you understand that’s a selling feature?

Hockey à go-go!

  1. Daniel Alfredsson, captain, Ottawa Senators. Easily the most ravishingly beautiful man on the face of the earth, when photographed well and especially in the summer, when the sun bleaches his various hairs to a rainbow of related hues. Great body, smart, deadpan in that Swedish way. Oddly, there just aren’t any decent photos of Alfredsson on the net (closest reasonable facsimile), and no significant fan-page base, unlike, say, Brendan Shanahan.
  2. Glen Wesley, defense, Carolina Hurricanes. Excellent shape for an old-timer. Terribly sincere, mismatching his bright-red hair. Born-again.
  3. Jeff Bateman, Brampton Battalion centre. Young and impressionable, like all junior-hockey players, and thus being led astray. Also Raffi Torres, rookie NHL hockey player. Wish I knew more. A male hockey writer was sufficiently moved to actually point out his hair colour. Could it be love? (Bateman and Torres “player profiles.”) And by the way, how the hell did they end up with two redheads on the same team?

Lacrosse à go-go!

The amazing thing about the Toronto Rock lacrosse team is that it comprises three readheads: Dan Ladouceur (6′6″, 250, and a cop – gah!), Kevin Langdale (6′1″, 190), and Anthony Cosmo (goalie and a relative featherweight at 6′2″, 185).

There are, however, no remotely passable photographs available online. Gah!

Italians à go-go!

Yes, there are Italian redheads. The mouth fairly waters: Italian, and red-haired, and then of course there’s the foreskin issue. Unfortunately, I can ID only two of them, Mario Battali of the Food Network (miserable official page). Oddly, another host on that network, the disagreeable Bobby Flay, is auburn-haired, tall, and milky-skinned. Fully beautiful, in fact. Except he’s also a jerk (in another chef’s phrase, “a hustler”). And not Italian. There goes the foreskin. (Photograph. In black and white. Unclear on the concept?)

And how could one forget David Caruso, who quit the best job in television – cursing like a drunken sailor, with ABC imprimatur, on NYPD Blue? He’s Italian from Queens, evidently. (Irish-Italian? Decent photos at a mash page.)

Also-reds

These lads are not “important.” They are, however, “red.”

  1. Jody Richardson, singer in the defunct Newfoundland funk band Thomas Trio and the Red Albino, who was never anything less than rude to me. Now part of some other band called Fur-Packed Action
  2. Noah Emmerich, C-tier actor
  3. Zack Ward, C-tier actor (photo; looks unremarkable in a wetsuit)
  4. Josh Freund, CART mechanic and Players Racing poster boy. (I’d give you the link, but it demands registration up front for no apparent benefit)

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