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News ¶ Whys and wherefores ¶ Comedis personæ ¶ Name-checked

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This is sort of the waystation for old, old, old pages about Volt – where old Volt pages are sent to pasture, essentially.

News

2002.09.18

The new “season” of Volt starts the 23rd. I’m even using a brand-new tape. What, you thought I would give up? Krystle, c’est hard pour moi de te dire ceci, but I’m in this for the duration. And did you know you could work as a researcher there?

2002.07.26

Volt has just the most amazing fans! Try Brett Stewart!

There’s a French-language arm of TVO (Television Ontario) called TFO that has a newsmagazine/entertainment show called “Volt”  ¶  which employs several very good friends (and former consorts) of mine  ¶  that, though intended for kids, actually has a young-adult fan-base and features very many pro- and proto-gay items.

The mental images are nothing but one shock after another. Thinking back on all the known homosexualists of Volt, I try to imagine this matter/antimatter conjunction. Guy Gagnier? Too boyish. Charles “BRIDE OF CHUCKY” Duchesne? Quite obviously a shared taste in music. Steve “THE DIGGER” Diguer? Could explain the constant references to Brother Love Canal.

Oh, but then it hit me, and I took a sharp breath. Nadyne Kasta, where are your standards?

2002.07.04

Off for the summer. Nothing that happened between me and any Voltiste has, however, been forgotten. (Whatever could I mean?)

2001.09.22

I failed to mention that, back in mid-July, I bumped into Steve “THE DIGGER” Diguer on rue Parliament St. of a Saturday. Had a nice chat. Looked good (and quite solid) in his raglan-sleeve XXXtreme-sportsesque top. Is apparently doing a lot of scoring.

2001.09.16

The lovely and talented Guy Gagnier has somehow gotten himself mixed up with the arriviste Rachel Giese, whom I would describe as a careerist if she displayed any history whatsoever of sticking with a job. Guy is now a producer ¶ presenter on some dumb-arse television program on some dumb-arse queer network. I didn’t think it was possible to sink lower than a French-language youth show in an English-speaking province. It’s a job, I suppose.

2001.03.07

First response to my complaint posted, with retort.

2001.02.22

Hey, we’ve got competition! Je suis le plus grand fan de Volt is now on the air, and claims I do more bitching than praising. I wasn’t aware we were keeping score. ¶ In any event, buddy’s got a lot of catching up to do.

2001.02.18

I’ve now been name-checked on the show so many times that I am maintaining a whole section on this page listing them.

2000.12.22

I have filed a complaint with the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council over the repeated telecast of horrific animal violence on Volt. Don’t fuck with your fans. [Since rerouted to the CRTC]

2000.12.17

Ma folie de Manau  ¶  What’s there to like about a French Celtic rap band? With bagpipes? Well, what’s not to like?

2000.09.28

The 2000 ¶ 01 season has débuted, and boy, are we in trouble.

2000.09.16

I visited TVO Open House down at the frigid, windswept Harbourfront today, hoping to put a long-cherished fantasy into practice. The real fantasy involves espying Guy or Charles at Woody’s and sashaying up, hovering too close for comfort until I am finally noticed, and then uttering the simple phrase “I am Joe Clark.” ¶ It was not to be. No Volt booth at the Open House! Just a so-called Quartier Français tent (capital F sic). My day was rescued (a) by seeing sexy fag Kevin Brauch in shorts (he literally ran away from me at a basketball press conference a few years ago) and (b) by spotting Charles Duschesne in a fetching hat. I carried out my fantasy, and we spoke for a full 90 seconds. Lovely hazel eyes on that man, and he’s terribly reserved and dignified. “Be sure to tell the kids how charming I am,” I commanded.

2000.08.20

I was seen to glide majestically through the halls of TVO the other week alongside a remarkably tall producer type, whose manhood was confirmed by his carriage of a pager positioned like a toolbelt. Yet my day was completely made when I walked right past Simon Garneau!

2000.08.05

We are back on the air! Volt reviews have returned. With a vengeance.

2000.06.06

• Canada has been overrun by parodies of the now-infamous I Am beer commercial, where a prototypical straight guy rants about exactly how he’s Canadian, not American. I note without comment that two Voltistes, the lovely and talented Mr. Guy Gagnier and the lovely and talented Mr. Charles Duchesne, have put together a parody of their own called «Je suis gai.»

• Dano is dissed in Now (unavailable online, but from mid-April 2000) as “a kiddo reporter from Quebec TV station TFO... wearing an executioner’s mask.” This of course was a reference to Dano’s superexclusive rencontre with SlipKnot. My letter to the editor, which achieved publication, read:

  Kim [Hughes] really ought to venture north of Dundas once in a while. The “kiddo reporter”  ¶  a shockingly ageist term that debases the storied history of progressive writing for which Now is universally respected  ¶  was none other than Dano Spooner, former girlfriend unit of the singer in some Canadian angst-rock band or another. Spooner works for Volt, the fabbo youth program for which I maintain the only fan page, and Volt appears on TFO, one of TVOntario’s channels. What does Quebec have to do with it?

  And incidentally, Volt was hot for SlipKnot before Hughes learned the band’s name. Then again, by misreading the capital K, “geezer reporter” Kim Hughes shows a disdain for fact and detail. Bit of a pattern emerging here, I think.

• No fewer than four other anglophone Volt fans, though not necessarily maudit, have contacted me! No need to feel lonely anymore. (If only it were that simple.)
• Œil hebdomadaire declares Guy and Dano, covering the Junos, to be “ the best-dressed reporters[,] from TFO’s Volt.” And we have seen the evidence.
• I want to know the real reason why Simon no longer hosts.
• I have been officially Franked, having been name-checked twice on the February 9 episode. Mathieu has demonstrated his mean streak. Fortunately, this is a big town, so I am unlikely to bump into him accidentally.
• Also, I’ll mention that the titles for Le Hospital Passion are almost right-on  ¶  except the colour choices make them hard to read. And why do I think of the defunct Montreal pop-rock group Bündock whenever I hear the name M. Bolduc?

Whys and wherefores

Elsewhere, I wrote about TFO, the French-language service of TVOntario, and its most megafabulous program, Volt, describing it as “itself reason to watch the network.” It’s a youth show that isn’t childish, a program ostensibly for teenagers that feels like what it actually is, a program created by guys and gals in their 20s. I’ve watched the damn thing nearly every weekday for three years, going so far as to label myself with the unmistakable mark of the loser by tuning into the New Year’s Eve disco-dance party. I even appeared on the show (on December 8, 1998, talking about biketrials).

Accordingly, I am ready to come out of the closet as an anglophone Volt obsessif. It’s getting to the point where I feel I have something to say about nearly every episode! and so I now launch Volt: The maudit anglophone fan page.

I would also point out that Volt, like MusiquePlus of yore, has excellent taste in music videos. As a music-video queen (see articles), I applaud their selectivity. I have my own suggestions, of course. And did I mention that I read, perhaps in Exclaim, the swearing of allegiance to Volt by an anglo musician specifically because of its habit of playing the bestest videos? (Now all I have to do is find the damn article.)

Comedis personæ

• Mathieu Pichette, host: The shockingly-cute, well-dressed, svelte Mathieu (one thinks of the standard question posed by agape Anglophones in Montreal or Ottawa: “Is he gay or is he French?") had some hefty pumps to fill indeed upon taking over from the redoubtable Simon Garneau, who followed the female drag queen Marie Turgeon, whom I adored more than chocolate sauce daubed on a redhead’s nose. (Who can forget Marie’s daring Priscilla ¶ like stunt strapped to the grille of a Suburban? Indeed, who can forget TVO’s old fleet of bone-white, gas-guzzling, démodé Suburbans, the biggest, cheapest, chunkiest corporate vehicles imaginable?) Reasonably talented ironist. Adept at forcing guests to wrap up through body language alone. Sounds spectacularly different in English. In fact, he may be a better actor in English. Favourite line: «Toujours aucun signe de M. Bolduc?»
• Nadyne Kasta, reporteuse: Unfeasibly tall and narrow of shoulder, fond of overly tight button-up shirts, she’s notably deadpan and will live in infamy for her brilliant semi-French delivery in the Sauce Volt commercial. («Mike, pouquoi est-ce que tu me regardes comme ça? Mike, pourquoi es-tu comme ceci?») Unproven Clearly talented as (replacement) hostess/reporteuse. Still, instincts are dead-on
• Dano Spooner, reporteuse: The fashion plate of the show. Seemingly superficial, but, after watching her for a good year, I conclude that she’s merely an up people person; enthusiasm is mistaken for vacancy. Bit of a hair-n-makeup queen nonetheless. Tried to have it both ways by interviewing Tommy Lee topless  ¶  but with bedclothes hiked all the way up to the axilla. There’s a psychology at work here: The pretty girl with glamourous tastes who nonetheless has a sense of propriety. They’re easy to offend, but keep your thoughts G-rated and you’ll have a friend for life. Favourite line: «Diversity a été très rentable pour Eaton.» (Left the show, for whatever reason, in Spring 2000)
• Jean-Sébastien Busque, producer: Reminiscent of the rue Ontario est/Sexe-Si-Bon axis of Montreal Francophone culture. In other words, not every French-heritage Canadian is well-dressed. (Volt end credits state that JS’s hair is coiffed by Coupe Bizarre. He actually gets his hair cut?) Can sociolinguists peg where JS comes from by his accent? I don’t want to sound too harsh; JS was the producer on my segment, and is overworked. I actually like him specifically because he isn’t a pretty-boy type. Favourite segment: Testing road rage in his Honda Civic by refusing to drive forward on a green light and timing the resulting honked horns (in some cases, as few as three seconds). Favourite line: «Mais j’ai un hard-on»
• Guy Gagnier, reporter: Bit of a stunner, though you wouldn’t think so; if you add up the features pseudo-objectively, skinny Guy looks merely cute. But he is blessed with that ethereal gift, charisma. Pronounces his Rs as flaps  ¶  unusual in Canada. Not quite enough hair on his chest. Favourite segment: Barely surviving an interview with the Insane Clown Posse. I think they really might have beaten the shit out of him. (Left the show, for whatever reason, in Spring 2000. For a while, was getting stoned and getting hit on by Oriental guys and ice-blonds out in Vancouver; now has some other job)
• Sonia Vani, reporter: Unremarkable save for sourpuss appearance, glibness, and thoroughgoing ill-suitedness
• Simon Garneau, writer (currently) and host (formerly): I’m just wondering if there’s anything this fellow will not do on-air. (I do not refer to snogging a guy during the Detect-O-Mo segment. We expect that sort of thing.) Does he need an editor? In truth, the only occasions on which I’ve felt condescended to as a Voltist have come about during a few of Simon’s more juvenile comedy segments. Just a tad more restraint, a tad more reliance on incubating an idea for a more recherché tone, would save the day. Grandmother caricature Mme Bertrand needs work, and tits. Laudable lateral-thinking approach to teaching correct French: Herr Müller, who speaks it with an accent. The current segments featuring William Portal, a disembodied Garneau head expounding on human nature and cybernetics, demonstrate the richness of the French language and Simon’s ability to speak in intelligible monotone. More items along those lines, please. And the retelling of the nativity tale was priceless. Favourite line: «Mary, arrête de chiarrer!»
• Thérèse Pinho, producertrix: Even more overworked. Slight tough-as-nails demeanour. A fertile mind at work: She’s responsible for Ô Zone, which could be described as a MediaTelevision manqué but is millimetres away from defining its own style of audiovisual ¶ typographic communication. (Left the show, for whatever reason, in Spring 2000)
• Jean-François Tremblay, producer: Shifty, untrustworthy, but hunky and blandly handsome. (No apologies)
• Sylvain Lavigne, director: Unkempt. Hopes to break into “new media” someday, and indeed Sylvain plugged his short indie E-film on his own show.

Warning

I told you already: This is the maudit anglophone fan page. Don’t expect sweetness and light. But understand something: Rather like the reviews at MightyBigTV, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love the show. Look up “Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition” for the operating philosophy.

I am Name-Checked on Volt

I’ve been mentioned on Volt by name four times and once again by implication.

1. 9 February 2000: It is alleged that I ring up the show to tell Mathieu and Dano their segment is boring.
2. 14 November 2000: Discussing the federal election, “Joe Clark” is described as “not just a guy who makes Web sites.” I am touched.
3. 18 December 2000: It is alleged that I am the one who left an anonymous complaint about gruesome, gratuitous depictions of animal violence. Um, no. I filed a written complaint later.
4. 12 February 2001: Slightly delayed from the one-year anniversary of the first name-check, Marc “CREATIVE ON DEMAND” Bishop mentions my remark that he kvetches too much about ugly Web sites.

And the indirect mention: The long adjective chains in my complaint are lampooned on 16 January 2001.

On this page:
News ¶ Whys and wherefores ¶ Comedis personæ ¶ Name-checked

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2015.01.22